Jordan Murphy: A Queer Student’s Experience in Paris

I chose this program for a few reasons: I knew it was a very prestigious university and I wanted to experience what it was like, I wanted French language experience and to get closer to fluency, and I wanted to explore Paris! It’s a beautiful city with tons of history. Additionally, I understood that there was a very vibrant LGBTQ+ community in France and in Paris specifically, and I wanted to experience that for myself.

I identify as gender nonbinary, panromantic, and gray/asexual, and I’ve had a hard time finding community for all of these aspects of my identity (especially the last one). I gave a bit too much credit to Paris in my preconceptions about the kind of acceptance I might find there. 

Firstly, I did not encounter a very large nonbinary community in Paris. While it certainly exists, I felt more of a stigma towards the identity than I do in the US (and in Berkeley specifically). I felt a really surprising amount of stigma around my name specifically, which came not just from the French but also other European students that I met. I was assigned female and named “Jordan” at birth, but many people did not seem to understand that “Jordan” could be a name for someone who is not male. I did end up making a few nonbinary friends through the LGBTQ+ club on campus who I’m still in contact with today, and they were much more accepting.

I found pretty much no community for asexuality, however. French attitudes towards sex are very blasé, and I appreciated that there was essentially no stigma to being with whoever you want. I did feel a stigma to not having sex, however. This wasn’t too different to my experiences in the U.S., but it felt very heightened while I was studying abroad. I think this was at least partially because I was still adjusting to French attitudes and culture, and I was hyper-focused on the way others were perceiving me and might see me as different.

Many of my friends and peers from UCEAP had explicitly come to Paris with the intention of dating new people in the “city of love.” And it’s true that Paris is very romantic and a great place to meet some very cool people. Throughout the semester, however, I started to feel pretty alienated as it became very hard for me to relate to many people’s stories, and I was unable to participate in so many conversations about the sexual experiences others were having. Attempting to go out with friends was a fraught experience–while I could relate to and enjoy the experience of a party, dancing, etc., I did not enjoy the expectation that I would meet and go home with somebody, or that if I danced with someone that meant that I was willing to do more with them. Repeated instances of this eventually soured the idea of clubbing for me, and I started turning down invitations from people I had been close to at the beginning of the semester. 

All of this combined to make me feel pretty isolated for a time. I got pretty stuck in some old ways of thinking that I thought I’d grown out of: that I was less fun than other people, that asexuality was a less valid form of queerness than others, that it was right that I couldn’t relate to the other queer people that I knew in Paris because my identity is fundamentally closed to others in a way that others aren’t. These were, of course, pretty terrible and unproductive thoughts, and reaching out to a therapist in the city (who my program coordinator helped me find) helped me to break out of my mindset. I reached out to my friends and family at home who I knew accepted and loved me, and I remembered all of the ways that my identity is perfectly valid and that no one has a right to tell me that I’m wrong for being who I am. I realized that I had to accept that many of my peers simply would never understand me, and while that isn’t fair to me, it’s not something I’m responsible for or that should stop me from finding my own happiness. 

While I never really found a large community in Paris, I did find a lot more strength and confidence in myself, and I began to go out and find fun experiences on my own. I started doing the things that I wanted to do in Paris - I visited all of the beautiful museums and monuments that I’d been wanting to see - and I went on a 10-day trip to Britain on my own and had a ton of fun, and I even made a few good friends at hostels in different cities. And when I came back, I hung out with friends on my own terms, and I didn’t regret a thing.

Firstly, I wouldn’t go to Paris. It’s a beautiful city and I’m glad I got to live there for the time I did, but I think I would have had a lot more fun in a more rural (and maybe non-French) place. I felt so much pressure in Paris to be a kind of person that I wasn’t, and I wish I’d put more thought into picking a place to go where I would feel more comfortable and welcomed.

I definitely think I made the right choice in traveling on my own. It’s no fun to say no to new experiences because you don’t have anyone to do them with. You can be your own company, and you can find company wherever you go as well!

What I learned to do by the end of the semester that I wouldn’t change is that I need to meet people where they are while setting my own boundaries. I’m not going to change for anyone, and no one is going to change for me–if we have a fundamental difference, I can’t expect it to go away. But making new friends in such a new place means keeping your mind open and your empathy to the max, and making any connections at all meant that I had to know that I probably wasn’t going to meet anyone who truly got me, and that I’d have to choose to move past that instead of letting it ruin my time abroad. I made friends that I could relate to in some ways and not others, and they can still be my friends.

I want to emphasize that it’s not helpful to have expectations about what your experience in any given country/city will be like. It’s always a good idea to do your research about what it’s like to live there, but you have to know that there will be times when you’re confronted with experiences that you didn’t expect, and you’re often going to be on your own as you decide what to do. Know that you can be resilient and that, wherever you are on your personal journey, you are enough.

Finally, no matter what your identity is, studying abroad will present some challenges, and others might also be struggling in ways you can’t see. Remember that you can find ways to relate to most people you meet! Be kind to yourself and to others, and all of the cool experiences you’re hoping to have and the connections with others you’re looking to make will come in time :).